Some new experiences in 2011

By Jack Elliott
Contributor

With the closing of 2011, it’s a good time to review a few memorable items.
While in Ireland we stayed with one lovely couple whose youngest son had left home the year before. To assuage the empty nest syndrome he feared his Mom might suffer, this thoughtful son reasoned a suitable companion would be in order to fill the gaping void of a house too quiet and now devoid of scattered clothes. What to get.
The answer came in a flash, a Vietnamese pygmy pot-bellied pig. Small, fastidiously clean, and friendly, it could make its home in the old barn on the acreage. Christmas 2010, it arrived, tiny, oinking, and friendly. It immediately settled into its new home.
“I didn’t know if I should laugh, cry, be angry, insulted, or touched,” said a still somewhat exasperated Mom.
But Ted, or Father Ted as I christened him settled right in and began to eat. He wandered the acreage at will and caused no one any problems. After a few months though one thing became glaringly obvious- Ted was no pygmy. His weight shot through the 100 pound mark in short order, and continued its impressive rise. Perhaps it was its diet. Mom made sure he got a good share of the morning porridge. The local grocer learned of Father Ted and started supplying Father Ted with all his over-ripe bananas. Father Ted took to bananas like a duck to water and by late September topped 300 lbs- but he was still no problem and an endless source of amusement to friends and relatives alike. Father Ted of Toberavaddy, Atheleague, County Roscommon, Ireland had become a legend.
Unfortunately Father Ted’s life was not a long one and just before Christmas this year, he passed on to that great sty in the sky. Who said porridge and bananas was a healthy diet. No word yet on what Junior has planned as a replacement to soothe his mother’s grief.
Back here in Drizzle Creek there have also been notable revelations. My wife the Pearl of the Orient well known for her innovative and colourful use of the English language coined a new phrase. ‘Bull in a china shop’ has been discarded in favour of ‘Moose in a jewelry store’. This was used to describe a senior government’s dismantling and destruction of a Ministry bureaucracy. And you must admit it is more colourful and accurate. After all a ‘bull in a china shop’ merely destroys things with abandon. A moose in a jewelry store also destroys the joint, but you can picture its antlers festooned with rings, necklaces and other expensive bobbles as it loots the place and makes good its escape into the wilderness- just like that bureaucrat with the big severance package.
And at the debating table at the Bakery Ziggy was describing the arrival of his first grandchild.
“Mom went in to deliver at 7:07 on the evening of the 7th. The baby arrived at 11:07 and weighed in at 7 pounds, 7 ounces,” brayed Ziggy holding out his cup for his fifth refill.
He inhaled a massive slurp and concluded, “I immediately went out and bought a lottery ticket.”
“Why Ziggy, that means you’ve got a Ziglette,” offered Pickle as his morning dose of caffeine and peanut butter stimulated some long dormant brain cells.
Of course we all know that when Pickle’s grandbabies come along they’ll either be Baby Dills or Gherkins.