Smart(er) Phones

By Jack Elliott
Contributor

It looked like a scene right out of ‘Show down at the OK corral. The assembled experts at the debating table at the Bakery in Rainy River with their smart phones unholstered were ready for a showdown. They were set to enter the second decade of the 21st century- kicking and screaming.
The Runt, one giant paw wrapped around a slice of flaxseed toast generously slathered with both peanut butter and jam whipped out his new flip phone with the other hand, and thumb at the ready expertly flipped it open.
“You have to put a ‘1’ in front of the number to make it send a text message,” he pointed out to Pickle who also had his iPhone at the ready. The Runt’s thumb flicked around the keys typing out ‘test’ spelled ‘terasty’. In spite of the large format keypad the giant digit was hitting at least two keys each time. Pushing ‘send’ he sent the message speeding off to Pickle.
Pickles phone let out a small chirp. He answered “‘terasty’? What does that mean? Test?”
The Runt nodded an affirmative as the remnants of the slice of toast disappeared into his maw, leaving a smear of peanut butter and strawberry jam on the neatly trimmed whiskers surrounding his pie hole. His tongue wasted no time wiping up the smear.
“Why not just phone him?” I asked as I peered at these technical miracles.
“Oh no! I might be in the middle of a stalk on that ten point buck or the setting the hook on a 30 inch walleye. Wouldn’t want to spook off the trophy!” exclaimed Pickle shaking his head at my ignorance.
“You guys take those things hunting with you?” I wondered aloud. There had to be more to this than telecommunications. After all here was a group so cheap they wouldn’t shell out for quality paint, a pair of jeans, or premium underwear, let alone a phone.
“Oh yeah. It has these neat mapping apps. Shows the terrain, records your track. Even has a compass. You know your exact GPS location, where you left your buck, and how to get back to camp,” enthused Maury as he whipped out his LG android and lined it up on Pickle. It let out a series of chirps and flashes freezing Pickle like the proverbial deer in the headlights.
“Let me show you the picture I snapped of that big buck as soon as I delete all these pictures of Pickle,” giggled Maury as he pushed a few keys.
“Oh no! I deleted the buck when I wiped out Pickle’s puss,” moaned Maury hanging his head.
“Just as well. Did I show you the compass function. You’ll never get lost in the bush,” chirped Pickle as he brought up the app and the needle swung to ‘true north’ except it was pointing more to the northeast- sort of towards the Runt.
“Junk! Let me show you how a good unit works,” snorted Maury bringing up his own compass app. His ‘true north’ was pointing off to the northwest- sort of towards me.
“Seems like them gadgets is kind of distorted by proximity to a huge mass,” guffawed Moose mightily impressed by his own wit.
“Seems like what we need for these smart phones are some smarter operators,” he added with a chuckle, a legend in his own mind.
I concur and perhaps think it best we not retire our old ‘search and rescue’ skills in favour of these smart(er) phone technologies. After all wouldn’t want to poison the coyotes with the remains of the debating crew littering the bush.