The Invasion

By Jack Elliott
Contributor

Here at the Beach we are preparing for the invasion of the Spring Breakers. The first to arrive will be those hearty souls from Canada that get their ‘reading week’ in mid February. A mid term break to allow the brain to expand and condition itself for the heavy load ahead on the way to final exams. Why this entails the killing of so many brain cells seems a bit of a contradiction, but it is one readily embraced by the participants.

Next starting early March are the U.S. schools, rotating through various combinations of States making sure to mix things up well so various microbes will have the opportunity to hybridize. It seems a few humans do as well.

Preparations include spreading beach chairs along several miles of pristine white sand. These chairs soon to be draped with beach towels and youthful bodies. Refuse containers are liberally spaced as well, but past observations are they are rarely used since recycling in this state has never caught on- no deposit no return.

Kiosks pitching everything from condoms, to tee shirts, to beach buggy and scooter rentals, spring up over night. Soon snarling packs of these death traps will be zooming back and forth along the strip, weaving in and out of the bumper to bumper cars and pickups loaded front and back with partying hordes.
The drive thru beer and liquor stores will be doing a booming trade. These places are necessary to cater to the patrons that are too drunk to walk so they have to drive. Hmmmm? Cops from across the south roll into town to pull down seasonal overtime. The mugshots in the local paper are a genuine source of entertainment.
The courts hold special ‘bulk’ arraignments where miscreants can plead guilty, get a quick slap on the wrist, pay their fines and get back to partying or plead ‘not guilty’ and be kept in the slammer for the rest of their spring break and be subjected to the full fury of the system for causing unnecessary paperwork. But hey, it’s all about the money, right?
Old men with sunburned eyeballs complete with a camera with a super telephoto lens stagger up and down the beach looking for dolphins, sea turtles….. and other wild life.
Senior envy you say? Well perhaps. Guess we’d better pack to head north.