Taking in some auction action

By Jack Elliott
Correspondent

“Elliott I think we should take in that auction sale in Hooterville, since you don’t have anything important to do today” stated my wife, the Pearl of the Orient the other morning.
I protested there was an important meeting at the debating table at the Bakery in Drizzle Creek and I was expected to chair the session. My protest fell on deaf ears. We headed for Hooterville.
“Now you have to be cautious at auction sales. Old Slick with his stuttering , silver tongue will rook you into bidding way more on an item than you planned. You’ll be standing there with a pile of junk you don’t need and an empty wallet,” I, wise in the ways of auctioneers, warned the Pearl.
We registered at the door and as we approach the ring, I once again warned the Pearl to keep her hands down and not to wave at any of her friends.
“Old Slick will take any kind of a motion as a bid,” I warned as I nodded hello to an acquaintance.
“Sold! This box of goodies for five dollars! Thank you! What’s your number Elliott?” shouted Old Slick. I knew it was useless to protest as I reluctantly held up my bid card.
“See how easy it is to get rooked,” I hissed at the Pearl.
“Hummmp! Look’s like you’re the expert on that,” snorted the Pearl as she headed off down the aisle towing me and my box of goodies.
”Oh isn’t this adorable. It’s just perfect for the grandkids,” she cooed stopping suddenly at another box of goodies.
“You buy this! But no more than $8.00,” I was instructed .
I took up position by the box and resisted all effort of the hoard of frenzied buyers to move me along. Eventually it came up for bid.
“Who’ll give me a buck.”
I opened the bidding
“And two, and three, and four, now five... five, and six,”
“Ten,” I offered aware I had passed my Pearl imposed limit, but hoping a strong bid would dishearten my opponent.
“Now fifteen.... And twenty. Now twenty-five... Thirty....thirty. Sold on my right to the Pearl”
Then turning back to me Old Slick laughed, “What’s your number Elliott?”
Rooked again
“Why were you bidding against me. From now on pay attention” scolded the Pearl, making it abundantly clear the rooking was all my fault.
And so it went. A drib here, a drab there and in no time we had a van full of assorted goodies we had little or no need of. Then came the coup de grace. Old Slick had been working his way through a large lot and the bidding was lagging.
“So much a piece. Take as many as you want. Do I hear twenty?... and twenty-five...”
I sneezed.
“Sold! How many do you want Elliott”
I raised my handkerchief to my nose.
“Elliott takes them all. Thank you! Moving on to the next lot....” Old Slick continued without missing a beat.
I blew my nose and tried to clear my eyes. Then feeling a stiff tug on my ear, I heard the Pearl order, “We’re getting out of here now! Before you bankrupt us. Get your junk and let’s go.”
I can use the panty-hose in the first box of junk to tie up tomato plants- for the next twenty years. But what am I going to do with three dozen, fine bone china tea cups and saucers?